Breath

Hand held out the window driving by the cliff, bluffs below I hear each wave crash. Trying to catch the wind in the palm of my hand while driving 60 miles an hour. The twinkling rays of sunlight do their last dance of the night it is soon dark. I pull my arm back in the car as the cold of the twilight catches my fingers off guard. I turn the knob to force heat to my hands and close the window to hit the volume up a notch or two, I belt out my favorite song in what I believe perfect pitch. Can you hear me heaven I have a song for you to hear. I step onto the moist earth with the song on my tongue I hum it from memory. I walk to the edge of the earth to get a glimpse of what it might feel like to take a sip of the unknown. I must get back I here my life calling and it is telling me I have a few more songs to sing. As the seaspray catches my eyelash and lingers for a moment I know I am alive and I feel the wonders of my world all around me.

Acknowledge Greatness

Fate can only bring you unexpected joy one that you can't always count on . So don't thank fate for your successes. Thank yourself for always making the hard decisions under immense pressure and cosistently finding a better version of you.

A door leading to the next step in your life is unlocked with all your hard work, dedication, and unwavering belief in your goals and your ultimate potential.

You are an inspiration. Building a path without excuses for failure only excuses for success!

Keep up the hard work sweet sister; you have seen success already through all that you have endured you thrive. I can't wait to see what else you have in store.

Sophia

My son my inspiration, my souce of guilt

I love how there are a million books out there on how to raise your child, what rearing they need, how to combat terrible two's. All of that is great dear authors and publishers and DR's, experts in the field. The truth of the matter is we really don't know crap about raising the perfect kid.

The good parent hears the advice from the elders (grandparents, aunts,etc...) but with all due respect please we don't need yet another person telling us how we could do it better.

My son has a heart condition, he has undergone several open heart surgeries only for them to tell us that another one is inevitable. He is eight now and struggling at school, we have a really great staff at his school who keep us well informed and work diligently in ensuring that all the children in their school succeed. This year we found that he has ADHD. Now I want to stop there.

I thought ADHD was a joke, someones way of putting our youth of today on meds and keeping them co dependant on prescription drugs and addicted to excuses. I was never for labels and won't start now. However if you knew my son you would be able to find all sorts of truths to this diagnosis.

He is brilliant but has true difficulties, one's in which he cannot get out of his own way in order to be successful at academics. I have met the children that the system forgot, that parents overlooked, and I really want to give my son every opportunity to feel like he is accomplishing something whatever task he takes on. I want to make sure he is given every chance at reaching his potential and seeing something through to fruition. I cannot tell you how many interviews I do and I ask someone what there biggest regret is, and they say I try to complete something and I can't. I wish I would have finished....Fill in The Blanks...

Mom's and Dad's who read this I hope that you know that the guilt you feel is normal. There is no parent I have ever spoken to that says this job is easy. Nanny's wouldn't have a job is this job was easy. INSERT Daydream of nanny..lol..Give yourself a chance because no one not a book in law, aunt. Knows what your going through because as I am sure you have heard "no two children are a like". It's ok to cry to get in your car and wish for an escape. Or demand your peace and quiet.

Why do I write this? Well partly because I feel guilty, like it's my fault my son has this. I have cried nights on end wondering what I could have done to change his fate. So I do everything to help the things in which I can control and let what I have done in rearing and discpline work it's way through his personality. I can't read in a book how to be a perfect mom because she doesn't exist. I just know that with hard work, dedication and love I can see my way through this and raising great children is where I will put all of that.

Thats all I can do...

Ten Year Reunion, Now What!

I recently went to my ten year reunion, although I was going back and forth as to why I should go, I knew it was one of those things you do. A milestone of sorts, a way to reflect while always looking forward... Now What?

Well business as usual of course. However the whole reunion topic got me thinking. I have friends who vary between 25 and 39. Each of them no matter what age group get to a point where they start to question their accomplishments, scrutinizing the decisions they made, and comparing themselves to the status quo. I never really understood the comparing where I am to where everyone else is since I have never been like every one else in my decision making process.

I had a friend say "well look at you, you did everything backwards and look how good things turned out." Backwards, really I never thought of it that way I just lived life, made opportunities for myself and made things happen for myself. That is the best advice I could give to anyone. Live your own life, don't ask yourself why am I not where so and so is?

It's life's way of saying your not ready for that challenge or there is something better in store for you.
Shouldn't I have kids by now?
Shouldn't I be married by now?
Do I want to be married at all?
WHY am I still working here?
Do I want kids?

All questions you must answer within your own conscious, we (friends) can give you our opinions but the real voice you must listen to is the one screaming inside of you. The voice of your natural intuition. You'll be surprised what happens when you start believing and trusting your own opinion.

Who will raise my children

So many people I know are having babies now, and those who are mothers already expanding their families all seem to have the same concern as I do.....Who will watch my child(ren)

I always thought for awhile that the desire to stay home and take care of your children was an archaic desire to fulfill the role as a women in the home. So I fought it hard, making myself a vital part of my work place and brought my "A "game every day to show those men that I did not hold any of those values and I was just like them..

But I soon realized after my second child that, I was working too hard to prove myself to the wrong people. In the meantime Who will raise my children....

I kept feeling that tug at my heartstrings telling me my efforts would be better utilized on those who would benefit most from my headstrong tenacity, it was my children. But how, how do I have my cake and eat it to?

Not truly sure how I can accomplish this, I am finding solutions. Learning how to live without and experimenting with my drive. Not to sure where this will lead me. But I do know that it will all be worth it for my children.
This isn't a blog with an answer I surely don't have one, but I guess it just needs to be said that the question "Who will raise my children" slips off the tongue and through the lips off all mothers. Until then I must work to provide.
And it is ok to want motherhood over career, it's ok to not be one of the guys. Your job at home is the most important. At least thats what I keep telling myself.

Spoke with someone today

Today I had a conversation with a woman who was 34 years my senior. In our conversation we talked about how the relationships in her life have been repeated with each partner she took on. Always the same guy she told me someone who used her and abused her in one way or another. Unable to understand what it was that made her perpetuate the cycle of self absorbed, addiction ridden jerks she was meeting.
And I thought as a side note to myself, wow no matter what age you are every women faces herself in the mirror at least once and thinks "What the hell am I doing here?" Although I don't have her years one thing I did realize, I understood her position. And this was my advice to her.

When I found myself staring at the mirror with a tear streaked face, confusion in my eyes, I asked myself "What am I missing?" What is it that I am missing in my heart that needs to be filled by catering to someone I know will fail me. My mother, my ex's, ME.
I soul searched for awhile and realized that I was always searching for the approval of others and never approved of what I was doing or what I was capable of. I realized that I never LOVED myself more then I loved that person.

So when I looked in the mirror I don't think what am I doing here, but that I am here, I have arrived, and I am freakin fabulous!!!!!!!

Love yourself more then anyone else can ever love you because they don't live beyond that layer of skin you do, because they cannot hurt you if you love yourself enough to not let pain penetrate your shield of confidence. Yes it takes awhile to get there but you will reap the benefits when you invest in the one person who can make you a better you, and that plainly is YOU!