Who will raise my children

So many people I know are having babies now, and those who are mothers already expanding their families all seem to have the same concern as I do.....Who will watch my child(ren)

I always thought for awhile that the desire to stay home and take care of your children was an archaic desire to fulfill the role as a women in the home. So I fought it hard, making myself a vital part of my work place and brought my "A "game every day to show those men that I did not hold any of those values and I was just like them..

But I soon realized after my second child that, I was working too hard to prove myself to the wrong people. In the meantime Who will raise my children....

I kept feeling that tug at my heartstrings telling me my efforts would be better utilized on those who would benefit most from my headstrong tenacity, it was my children. But how, how do I have my cake and eat it to?

Not truly sure how I can accomplish this, I am finding solutions. Learning how to live without and experimenting with my drive. Not to sure where this will lead me. But I do know that it will all be worth it for my children.
This isn't a blog with an answer I surely don't have one, but I guess it just needs to be said that the question "Who will raise my children" slips off the tongue and through the lips off all mothers. Until then I must work to provide.
And it is ok to want motherhood over career, it's ok to not be one of the guys. Your job at home is the most important. At least thats what I keep telling myself.

Spoke with someone today

Today I had a conversation with a woman who was 34 years my senior. In our conversation we talked about how the relationships in her life have been repeated with each partner she took on. Always the same guy she told me someone who used her and abused her in one way or another. Unable to understand what it was that made her perpetuate the cycle of self absorbed, addiction ridden jerks she was meeting.
And I thought as a side note to myself, wow no matter what age you are every women faces herself in the mirror at least once and thinks "What the hell am I doing here?" Although I don't have her years one thing I did realize, I understood her position. And this was my advice to her.

When I found myself staring at the mirror with a tear streaked face, confusion in my eyes, I asked myself "What am I missing?" What is it that I am missing in my heart that needs to be filled by catering to someone I know will fail me. My mother, my ex's, ME.
I soul searched for awhile and realized that I was always searching for the approval of others and never approved of what I was doing or what I was capable of. I realized that I never LOVED myself more then I loved that person.

So when I looked in the mirror I don't think what am I doing here, but that I am here, I have arrived, and I am freakin fabulous!!!!!!!

Love yourself more then anyone else can ever love you because they don't live beyond that layer of skin you do, because they cannot hurt you if you love yourself enough to not let pain penetrate your shield of confidence. Yes it takes awhile to get there but you will reap the benefits when you invest in the one person who can make you a better you, and that plainly is YOU!