A Year to end and so much to say

Coming home and readjusting took it's time but I am complete. What a year this has been.

I have grown so much as a person and took all the advice I wrote in my blog and applied it to a way to succeed. Don't be confused when I say "succeed" I don't mean of a monetary value. The success I have accomplished has no monetary value at all, it is..priceless. I found me!

I found a way to work through all the road blocks and see that the road ahead had so many opportunities as long as I don't get stuck with a far sided point of view. It's time to look ahead, far ahead!

My friend do me a favor for the new year do not look to make resolutions, instead look for absolution. Release yourself from the limitations you set for yourself and think of a year with no restrictions. Liberate your mind and let the creative juices flow. Speak kind, smile often, love Always. Good Luck!

Settling in settling down....

So I fell off for a little while. If you have been reading or know me at all you know I have spent sometime overseas for the last few months. I wrote for therapy, for others, for insight. Then I stopped.

I couldn't write any longer, because the constant reminder of being away, of reality, and of how far I was from where I wanted to be. I needed to stop writing and just get through it. There were all the same challenges, but I learned so much a long the way that when it was time to leave I was ready. More ready and prepared that I thought I would be.

Now I am home, and the transition when I got home was tougher then I expected. I was ready to take on all my obstacles face all the probems and deal with them. Well like the saying goes ""If you want to make God laugh, tell God your plans."

I was not socially ready for outings and get togethers. My emotions ran the gamit of ups and downs and the expectation was that mommy is home and the wife is back and everything is as it should be. So the ride though bumpy has smoothed out and we are filling in the potholes along the way.

Back to work and making moves that will take me to the next level in my life and I guess at this point that is all I can do.

For me the lesson of all of this is pretty simple......The only thing in life you can plan on is change, and it is what you do along the way to react to change and overcome challenges that will dictate your success.

In Love

In love there is hope. With all that you take in and take for granted you wonder if you have the power, patience or the desire to continue. I have reflected a lot on my love while out here. My love is not perfect in fact in most cases it is the exact opposite. When I left to come out here we both knew we were not in a good place with each other. The bickering the arguments the unspoken words corroded away our love and left us vulnerable. We couldn't really place the blame but found our fingers pointing in every direction.

So there we were exposed, tattered by the storm of our love. In the time I have been out here we have made it a point to be honest of the state of our relationship and how we could right the wrongs that had brought us to here. How can we get back what we always knew we had?

We needed to be honest with each other, we needed to be honest with our feelings and then we needed to see where we were from there. So now we are on the road to repair. To find the "in love" in love. To appreciate the time we have together instead of appreciate each other when we are apart.

I have been at the foot steps of where life meets death. Where people are subjected to the frailty of life. Why waist time with love that does not produce. Why waist time picking out the bad and the wrong. Why not right the wrongs and keep it moving.

Life is short my friends, I know you have heard that before but it really is. With flag draped caskets I know how short life is. You might not see it everyday or have to be made aware of it, but learn from me and my life lessons. Don't let love fade, don't spend time fretting the small stuff. If you have love, harvest it. Ask your self the hard questions and seek to answer them honestly. Be safe and love with all you have!

Conversations

When you find yourself about to engage in a conversation what is it that you take in to account? First I am sure is your audience, who is it that you are speaking with and how is it that they receive your message. Second it is the nature of the conversation you intend to have and what the outcome may be if you choose words or a tone that can be misinterpreted by your audience. Last and maybe what should be first is the end result of what you want out of that conversation.

My conversations with friends is real, raw and sometimes uninhibited. They are not easily offended by my direct approach or some time crass response. They roll with it take hits on jokes and dish them out equally if not more quick witted sometimes. However those who don't know me or choose not to know me find me to be intense. I don't skirt issues or sugar coat the truth. Where that works for me on many occasions there are also those times when it is not so easily received.

So as you know already about me in reading these blogs you have read that I like to take it internally? What can I do to make a change in my approach how can I be better received? Well the nature of people is that you are just not going to be able to please everyone. My tag line is if I have too many friends and spend my time attempting to please everyone then really I am not being true to anyone namely myself. So that is not an option.
To address my intensity, well I live my life with intensity and that spills over into my personality. I am who I am and make no bones about it. On that note though I have learned through my conversations with people that when it comes to tact and ego smoothing there is room to learn. Not every conflict has to be resolved with confrontation. Speak lightly in those situations and give the other party a chance to feel like the are not being overpowered and therefore cowering to a place where both sides can't be heard.
Confrontation in and of itself is not a bad thing don't be afraid to embrace it when you need to be heard but don't use it as a platform to assert your authority. I do not believe at all in passive aggressive behavior so this is something I think I will be working on for awhile.

Simply put, say what it is that is on your mind and don't let a mole hill emerge to a mountain. In conversations you can always have control if you remember that in confrontation you can walk away to clear your head and head it on with a sound mind and focused goal. Don't let anyone take you out of your comfort zone because that is when the things you truly don't want to say come out. Speak freely but think soundly on who it is your conversation is with.

Decisions

There are times in your life when it's time to make the hard decisions. Stay in the fight or leave, hear the other side of the story all though you have made up your mind. Stay or leave? Tough decisions are never made lightly, without first consulting your friends, family and most importantly yourself!

Take the tried and true pros and cons list for example. Everyone swears by it, well make sure that you are making that list with a sound mind. Really that list can be made into whatever you want, it's bias, with your interest in mind. So go ahead write the list, but then put it away, try to forget about it. When you go back to it a couple days later, a week however long you need, do those pros look more like cons or the cons look more like a justification for so many pros.

I had to make that exact list, however in my case I threw the list out. I listened to my heart, what it was I truly wanted shown through more then any list could help me decifer. I had no idea what I wanted but found in the end I knew exactly where I wanted to be. I am so afraid to fail, to not be accepted, to miss opportunity, sometimes I take the guaranteed success over the one I am afraid to take the risk for.

I am not sure where my opportunities will take me but I have the faith in my abilities and all that I have worked for until now that I have what it takes to make great things happen. You have to work yourself little by little, step by step, and some time take the calculated risk to see what your really made of. Don't be intimated by the talents you have, let them shine and share them with others. Take the risk on yourself and watch what you become.

Break through!!

Saying goodbye to a part of you that you have held on for so long is like grieving a death of a piece of you. This habit or trait, person or influence has held you captive, it has handicapped you from seeing all the possibilities that you have within your reach.

I had a breakthrough this week that helped me to see beyond all the wrongs in my life all the situations I allowed to happen. Failing to look inside and see your own faults keeps you from achieving your full potential. Well, my friends, no more!

I see the ere of my ways and I have started on the path to righting my wrongs. My threshold for the tolerance of all the toxic behaviors in my life will no longer anchor my ambition. I am worth more then what is on the outside and will no longer sell my self short so that I can fall in the brackets of the people/circumstances that fall below my self worth.

You cannot let others dictate who it is you will be because most people do not want you to shine beyond the flicker of their existence. Your flame is worth warming the hearts around you and lighting the path to where ever it is in life you want to be. I cannot waste my time on relationships professional or personal that want to erode away all the work I have done to build the rock I have become.

I am not sorry for who I am or who I have the potential to be, I cannot apologize to you to appease your insecurities. We should all get to a point in our lives that sooner rather then later, we say, I say what I mean, I mean what I say and I make no apologies for all that I am.

System Scan

If you want the things that you invest in in life to operate and function properly you ensure that all maintenance is done on it so it doesn't fail you. You proect your PC with an anti virus suite, you change the oil in your engine so it does cease, you check your fire alarms to ensure they are in working order. How often do you check on you, and your system? How much attention are you paying to your maintenance of self?

There are no pop ups or reminders that you have to take care of yourself. Instead we wait until we have ignored all the warning signs and we are there vulnerable to virus' that cloud the mind, clog the system and shut down productivity. All the signs can be there and we hop the barrier and push out the way the obstacle until the barriers get larger and harder to move and we wonder while looking forward how we got here, instead of looking back at all the oppotunities we had to change our fate.

What do you see when you take a look back at your decisions? Find opportunity not to further scrutinize what you have done but instead what can you do now. Set your own check up cycle and stick to it. Make sure to "do you", as my friend calls it. With out you having a proper grasp on what it is you want out of life how can you take hold of what you want? Will  you let your spiritual convictions guide and help you through those times when this world can't give you an answer? You have to find it in you.

If you value those materialistic things around you so much that you abide by their maintenance schedule then you should show yourself that same attentiveness. Seek first to understand then make up your mind clear of all the distractions, cookies, clogs, fires and make room for a clean system. System scan complete.

Knowing your life is fragile it is easier to value your relationships. To protect the ones you love and keep them from harm. Each patriot has a story. What is mine?

My story comes from the passion to live. Through the trials of my life maintaining a positive outlook. When I  was faced with death and came out alive it wasn't me scrapping by it was my purpose being fulfilled. When I joined the service years ago my purpose was to straighten up and do things right. Unsure of my fate I joined the fight, at first it was for me now it is for the one's I love, the country I cherish and finally my purpose. I am not sure if people are reading or whether my stories find ears or eyes to engage but it helps me.

Making history, that is what everyone has been telling us. Making history holds a lot of weight and you want to make sure you do it right. I know that so many people can never empathize with what it is I see and go through everyday, and don't get me wrong it ain't all bad. However this is where my story lead me. So while we write history let me put my two cents in.

Take your story and make a novel, let others learn from what it is that God put in your path to show you that we may not have to die for others sins but a patriot will die for honor and for country. For the glory that God said it is your fate to take your story and tell your tales. Don't keep it in share it and help make history in whatever blank page you have in front of you.

So far away

Time seems to be flying by and standing still. It doesn't even sound possible right, but for me right now it is. My time here is half way through, but it seems like time is standing still, that the days keep coming with little sight of change. Time doesn't pass so much as it overlaps. Folding into itself over and over again. My heart is home my head is here.

Although I have tried to keep it all in perspective, I loose grip at times falling into this lifestyle out of necessity and survival. However do not be misconstrued I do not fall subject to complacency as I know that this too shall pass and all that I have at home will pull me from this time. I long for the hugs from my loved ones.

Sometimes I find myself daydreaming of my homecoming, to all those that will be there to great me and show their love and support as they have while I have been away. Tears fill my eyes with the happiness that overflows in me to see my reality, my family, my friends with arms outstretched. I miss you guys so much. For now I will adapt to my surroundings I will overcome the hard times never losing sight of the road I have paved for me and my family.

Goodbye's

With people coming and going all the time it is hard not reflect on how your homecoming will be. I envision my kids at the airport and my husband and I cry. I miss them so much. Yesterday one of my best girl friends left and I had such a hard time seeing her off.

You go through so much here, all the unauthorized fireworks on the 4th here is just another reminder of how far we are from reality and the comforts of compassion, strong friendships and significant others. When we were sitting there crying she couldn't differentiate whether she was crying because she was happy or sad. That got me to thinking my new reality in the sun and sand gets so ingrained in me, will I be able to walk away without tears?

I have made some really good friends here, one's I feel I can talk to for hours, but the reality is that I am eventually going to have to say goodbye. I saw myself there last night and it was a little more then emotionally I was able to deal with. I saw it all in front of me, and I think that I too will be there and I may feel the tide of my life change and afraid of who I will be when I get home.

Goodbye's are wrought with fear, excitement, and the unknown. They are not final unless life has decided that your path has come to fruition and it is time for you to move on and in that case, say your goodbye's with infliction, with love and with hope. Tomorrow is yours make it what you deserve and leave the goodbyes in the past to make room for a thousand hellos.

Culture Network

In the sand and sun you have people from all over the world. Many of them provide a service to the troops and some of them we are sitting in their backyard. I was at the pool the other day and we were playing a game of water volleyball enjoying ourselves and decided to bring in people outside of the normal group that plays together. It is hard to go into specifics being that there are things I cannot share, but in short we were Americans they were not.

I walk around sometimes on eggshells trying not offend others cultural influences and trying to be sympathetic to there issues. It can seem frustrating but it has turned out to be very imformative and has built a new type of sensitivity I have not had before. Back to my story though, we invited them into the game and fluidly (pardon the pun) we had a game going on. We played on the same team one fight one mission, to win. We laughed and joked, we all reacted the same way when we missed a hit or goofed a serve. No difference. Of course the language is different and some things had to be acted out so that all understood, but all in all we were a team.
Listen I know that not everyone gets along and not all races,genders, nationalities merge well with each other, but what if you open yourself up to a blank page and write on it a good experience. When you go into a new interaction go without expectations or bias and encourage yourself to think positive and laugh in the process. We are not all alike but we can be different in a great way.
The fear of the unknown sets up our armor, maybe if we decide to embrace it instead of fear we can set up positive networks of diverse backgrounds to broaden our knowledge base of those around us. I am in the land where civilization is said to have been started in the Tigress-Euphraites Valley at the Ur de Chaldes.
How amazing is it that I find this place to be where cultures unite and people merge to work day in and day out next to each other where biblically civilization started and we are all attempting to be civilized. 

Relationships

In the sun and sand problems are under microscopes, a small spec of a problem is illuminated and exasperated. When at home you can find it easy to not talk , to walk away and attempt to get over it. What ever those coping mechanisms that work for you at home don't necessarily work here. Relationships have a hard time maintaining the break in routine. This is because it is not natural.

Keeping things in perspective and having someone give you a reality check helps in getting over it. Giving in to those feelings can cause you to  spiral into a depression or becoming needy and in exchange putting yourself into challenging sometimes dangerous situations. Here's what, relationships built on sand will sink, don't go away expecting it to weather the storm. Relationships built on rock that is cracked can crumble if you don't take the time to patch up the holes and cracks in your relationships.

The person back at home living their lives cannot and most likely will not stop going about their routine to wait for your call, it is easy to stay occupied back at home. Here, if you consume yourself with the what ifs and the why nots you can find yourself running circles around your mind and going nowhere.

Be honest with what it was you left behind, use your extra energy on the repair or recovery of your relationship, and surround yourself with the right people to elevate you from your state. Don't comfort your pain but let it run it's course and never look back. You and only you have the control to submerge or emerge within self pity or insecurity. Find that strength that makes you the rock you have used to anchor your life. You are not where you are by mistake or luck but rather hard work, dedication and perseverance, never let anyone take that away from you.

California King

At home I have a bed big enough to fit my whole family, and I like it that way. Today on my day off I lay alone in my twin size bunk bed recollecting memories of my childhood. How this bunk bed was a fort, a castle, the floor a moat, and I would play pretend. My imagination then was so vivid. Now all I can see is paneled walls and laquer floors in a tin can.

So I force myself to see beyond my immediate sceneary, beyond the sun and the sand and look to the california king bed in my room. When I wake up in the middle of the night and have to climb over little bodies with little feet at my chin just to make it to the bathroom. Or when I get up in the morning just before everyone else and the day breaks and I can see their cherub faces sound asleep. I remember arguing with my husband just to have some quality alone time with him and I with no kids in the bed.

But now all I can think about is those times. In the bed, with my family. I really truly have it all there in my California king and while I sleep here in my most uncommfortable twin, I find comfort in my memories. I can now sleep just a few more hours with dreams of home.

Take nothing for granted because some of the once discomforting annoying unbareable things back at home are the warmest thoughts that help you through. Half way done and almost home.

Got my Mojo working

 Yesterday was our day off and my friend and I decided we would try our hand out at some salsa dancing. She had not even ever attempted it and I had not danced it in a while. No heels or makeup, no cute outfit or blown out hair we did our best attempt at feeling good. Well it worked.

In my New Balance sneakers and PT gear I kicked up my heels and laughed, danced and joked. We were being asked to dance literally every 30 seconds between songs and worked off  our cheat day chocolate cake and cookies and cream ice cream. But I got something else out of that experience I was able to see that I could have a good time without a drink in my hand or the need to doll myself up. Truth is I am enough all by myself without any fixings, kind of like my cookies and cream ice cream, enough on the inside with no need to add anymore.

The jist of this is your beauty should start inside, you should laugh from deep in your gut and not be afraid who listens. Try it one day, being completely and utterly yourself in a position where you would normally conform. Let the true beauty of your personality illuminate the beauty you have outside by the beauty you have inside.  I assure you the glow around you will be contagious. Be not a diamond in the desert but just a diamond.

Shaken to the Core

While going through my routine, trying to find ways to enjoy myself in the sun and the sand I was reminded that in complacency is sometimes danger. The prescence of danger is always in the front of my mind and I have heard and seen those reminders from a distance. The other day it literally shook the ground beneath me. The prescence was eminent and for a second could not remind myself of the plan. Face down and heart rate up I was very much aware of my duty to stay V. Vigilant.

Isn't that then true for any one. The little missle of reality comes crashing down on your routine and you get scrambled unable to recollect what you planned in case the worst could happen. Fragile as we are we find ourselves indestructable because some of us have never been in a situation when you find that up against the elements of destruction we can fall.

Love, tragedy, loss, warfare they do not vary in there capability to have us come completely undone. The flap jacket you wear to save you from bullets is too heavy to carry so is the chip on your shoulder and the hate in your heart. Let yourself free of the armor we wear to protect ourselves and realize that sometimes it is when we least expect it that a missile will fall from no where and shake you to your core.

When that happens it is how you react, maybe immediately maybe in time but you will have to face that fear and make peace with your plan. See it through and always overcome. Strength is found inside of you in the depths of your evolution.

Peace and love from the sun and the sand

The best view is from the inside out

Every day here I learn something new. Whether it is about myself or others it is exactly what I hoped to do while here, reflect, understand and overcome. I spend a lot of my time alone not in a sad way but a way to look at myself from the inside out. Issues here mimic those of my relationships at home whether they be professional or personal. I can't get upset because it is something familiar in the most unfamiliar place.

I had a situation today where I had to reach a point I rarely go. I had to assert my authority and assume the position of a peacock on the brink, showing my colors. I apparently bring out the worst in the most unusual people. My personality clashes with a certain group of people. In my reflecting I can almost pinpoint those people in a crowd. Those who are offended by accountability, take no time to reflect on themselves and thus displace their insecurities on me, or sometimes it is simple, we clash. It is hard not to, if you have any accountability of your actions not to reflect on yourself and say what is it about me that brings that out. Am I a mirror reflecting the truth about people to themselves. Yeah I can be like that. I choose not to run around an issue and cut to the chase, I put it out there, what I expect, how I expect it done and a deadline on when I expect it done by. Hate me for the next statement but I must say...

If I were a man, would it work better for you. If I appealed to a position that a man should hold does the assertiveness just seem typical of male behavior. How is it if I say something that a man says he is tough and rough around the edges. As a women I use the exact line; I have a tone of voice. I am a Bitch, difficult, emotional. Would it make it better if I was unattractive, is that less threatening. Why should any of this be a factor in the management of people?
Try as you may to exercise this little role play? Take a female who raises her voice, calls someone out for insubordination, says the truth no exaggeration, see how that goes over on a test group. Now use a man and see what is said. I assure you the results are strikingly different.
With all that said I don't have time to play sex wars especially where I am at. If there are mommy issues I can only caress that so much. Then there comes a point where you are responsible for you. I can only control me. It is my duty to look in and analyse only myself. Evaluate what my downfalls may be and understand that simply said, we really can just all get along.
But tomorrow is a new day. There are no bad days just bad moments. Don't let the actions of the few dicatate your view on how you maybe perceived by all. If you know yourself well and tend to evolving you no one can ever stunt your growth.

Backspace

In an argument there are no second chances. When you come out and say something that is irrevocable that is exactly what it is. In text and chat you can back space your way out of hurting someone, you can see your anger and hurtful words in black and white and you have the choice to hit backspace or hit send.

In real life arguments there are no referreries telling you you are hitting below the belt or that your on the foul line. So it is up to you to make that choice. I have been reading the Bible a lot lately and there are days when I pray and say alright God guide my reading. The other day I read a passage in Proverbs Chp 15 I think it was and the long and the short of it was, when you speak evil, evil is inside you. When you act out of anger and jealousy that is what consumes you. Inside all that bad character swirls up and you speak from that. If you went to a restaurant and they put in front of you rancid meat with a side of animal waste would you eat it up. Consume it and let the disease of that animal attack your system?
That is what anger and hatred does to you. It is a disease that hates you back and others will perceive you as you are.
Since being out here I have experienced a few instances when the choice of my words hindered a conversation. It could always go both ways and those who let the anger and hatred consume them will say anything to get a rise and see you come to their anger. I didn't, I refused and alone I cried or screamed and maybe even swore like the F bomb was atomic and a mushroom cloud engulfed my area. However I did not let them see me sweat. Posed and calm I eliminated confusion by sticking to the facts and the point so as not to get lost in the forrest of angst.
The words they use are predictable triggers of an upcoming bout if you choose to enter the ring. Don't let anyone make you eat the rancid meat. Do not voluntary inject yourself with the disease.

You are better, different and smarter and those who hate on you will do anything to take you from your world to theirs.

In Memory

In the fight, with the integrity of an angel and the power of the lion
Deep inside is where we find our strength, In the memory of the good times and faces that help us to get through
In the struggle between mind games and long days, sad reminders that we are not home
There is no color or  grassy knolls, there are no mountains I climb for pleasure
The world looks so different from where we are
In memory keep us close
Keep your soldier a call away, your Airmen a care package closer, your Marine is sitting somewhere under the same sun
In memory take a day to observe the pain of others that provides the pleasure for many.
We are built for the fight and the struggle is a hurdle meant to be leaped over
We are the stars in the flag the stripes that color the canvas we are your American dream

It is in my walk

If you never take the time to look at yourself as others view you then you can never have an adequate interpretation of who you are. It is when you look with a critical eye at what you want, who you are, and the places you want to go that you can take the steps to get there.

In my journey to the other side of the world I could be lost in a moment. In every second of every day that I am away. Instead I took a walk. Not in the literal term of the word but mentally I have decided to take my fears for a walk, to test my faith, to understand my place. It is in my walk that I felt something, it is like being completely enveloped in love for the first time the feeling of love and spirits breaths oxygen into your blood. Or being filled with the Holy ghost and jumping out of your seat to praise. Singing with an open heart and standing in the rays of the open sun I have seen the light and not shied away. If you have read any of my other posts you would have felt a different tone. A tone of unsure and fear. I fear no more. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am where I should be. Finding myself without distraction. Sharing my experiences so that others will not feel so lonely.

It is in my walk that I will finally inspire instead of hoping to inspire. With every word chosen carefully so that all can feel the weight of my convictions and here the words of my life's story. I am not just here to exist, to have children, to work and retreat, but I am here to experience, to laugh, and share. I cannot have been more inspired by the sand and the sun then I feel right now. I will be a better person when I get home, a better wife, a better mother.

If this can happen in less then a month I am excited to see what will come of this in the end. I hope that you are too, and you find that place inside you. You face your insecurities and although we all don't have to travel 5000 miles to find ourselves we all do have to search. Wherever you are in the world. Search for the reasons that your unhappiness or fears grow and pluck it like the weed that will kill your garden. You are the keeper of your future.

Adversity

Since I have been here I have been no stranger to adversity. However it is as though adversity is always a familiar friend in every new situation. Within any environment there are going to be those who challenge every word you say and every action you take. It is what you do to respond to that adversity that will distinguish you from all others.

When someone detects a hint of hesitation or kindness even in a persons characteristics they tend to assume that this is a weakness and it is in our human nature to defeat the weak and assert our position as the Alpha. It is only when they meet that person with adversity that the true depths of their personality can be measured. We have all fallen victim to a challenge of sorts.

As I have eluded to previously I am no stranger to it. I come off as compassionate and empathetic however when someone senses that as a weakness they are soon met with my assertive and stern position of "you don't really want to go there". My confidence that I am well versed in my field and also that should I need to get spun up with the quickness I can, will, and if I choose will make it known that that pedestal they took their position on is really a bump in the road to humility.

Do not ever under estimate an opponent and meet them with adversity, you can bet that they might meet you with the same vigor and intent and you will find yourself losing at your own game.

Leadership

A fresh pair of eyes makes all the difference. People think of several rotations in an AOR may result in inconsistent production. In contrast it helps to bring a fresh pair of eyes. Different leadership styles. What might have worked will be adapted. That which is non valued added can be discarded to make way for a fresh new way of thought.

I have been given the great responsibiltyof being in a leadership position. A chance to make change, insight and inspire. I never thought that all I ever wanted to do in lifewas to make a difference. To take all my triumphs and trials in my life and bring them to the table.
Part of me is scared as heck. I wouldn't call it insecurity because I am secure in my leadership capabilities. I think all good leaders at some point look at themselves in the most scutinizing light in order to remain vigiliant on what exactly their duties are when they accept resposibility for others. Especially under such conditions.
The concern of my people and their welfare ensuring they they stay vigilant and are able to go home to their loved ones as they left them is my most important job at this point.

My conclusion is this a leader is tested at all levels. To lead is to engage, to inspire, and to grow.

Making it happen in the sand and sun.

The little things

I almost feel like I am back at basic training, remember I said almost. I have limited luxuries and have set my expectations low so as not to sike myself out. There when things go well I am always pleasantly surprised instead of disappointed. My shift is set and the gears are in motion all of the prep and now it is time to hit the ground running, I just hope that with my job responsibilities I am able to produce. You can't help but feel alittle insecure when you have been given great responsibility in trying times.
It is extremely dusty and sand finds it's way to every surface. There seems to be a constant film all over everything including my dorm. So today i bought some Pine Sol and a cloth so that I can mop, when I got in, my roomate, who by the way is wicked cool and mature. Haelleluyer I was blessed with a good roomate. She was so happy it was like I brought a box of chocolates home.

She is at the end of her tour and I the beginning of mine, and I realized that it will be the little things that make you smile. The small reminders, a scent, a picture, a phrase that brings you back to reality and though the sites outside are far from the comforts of home the smell in my dorm brings me back home after a day of cleaning.

Mothers day

It is my first mothers day away from my children and I thought it would be a lot harder but it has been ok. Don't get me wrong being without my family stings but the truth of the matter is that in my house I don't need a day that is specifically for me. It is the day to day I love you's and the kisses and hugs and constant displays whether verbal or non that reminds me that I am no less of their mother here then I am at home.

Where ever I am I am a mother. Who ever I am with I am a wife and a day in a week can never fill the constant gratitude I have for being able to have those titles.

Today is my last day in transit and I will be in my final destination within hours. Staying focused on the mission is my number one task. I wish I could sleep but my mind although I cannot pinpoint any paticular thought or feeling is racing. Falling asleep has been so difficult.

I saw a young lady returning to where I will be headed and she seemed so deeply affected about what she saw and had to deal with. When she told us of her story and experience I could tell that my friends who were not completely informed of what to expect were rattled by the information. I had to reassure them that this experience is mainly what you make of it, the other part is how you deal with it. I know I say that now but I cannot anticipate or speculate my way into a frenzy and it is not worth trying.

Until I touch down again, I am still ok, and I am making it happen!

Anywhere you are you can dance

The heat is on and it is not the temperature that is bringing it. The dance floor in the midway point has salsa in the heart and soul. The sweat is caused by the melting of stress and anxiety. What once was fear is now replaced for the time being by happiness and loss of inhibitions. For a little while I am nowhere but in my own world dancing and laughing with the girls. We don't have to worry about competition since we are all wearing the same thing and yes have that cookie don't sweat the small stuff, it will sweat itself.

In Transit

From my window seat all looked familiar. The land below us, greens, blues, browns land divided by agriculture and urban cities. The rooftops did not provide a contrast of home and where ever I am now. Swimming pools in the affluent neighborhoods all seems familiar and comfortable. As we decended from our place in the clouds I could have been anywhere in the US headed to vacation at Disney, however that was not my final destination. I reflect to the fact that the world keeps moving, those below me on the roads going about there daily lives half a world away.
Keeping things in perspective is important for me it helps me to understand that though my path is on a different course I am not to far removed from the fact that things will happen while I am away. People I love are going about their lives and it is fine. We all have a goal in mind and as long as things stay in perspective it is hard to fall of track. I am sure it will happen I would be foolish to think that my path is business as usual for anyone but it helps to stay focused.

Fast forward to my decent to my final destination and the contrast was stark. What I thought was an ocean was a sea of sand. The heat wrapped me like a closely guarded christmas present and swimming pools were a desire not a possesion. I hate to sound so cliche but where is Kansas, I would like click my heels and be there cause this is where the devils heat makes you want to pray so that you never have to return. Heaven is where air conditioners are and I am on my knees praying for that absolution. Till we meet again my friends.

There are certain events in your life that you will never forget. The birth of your first child, your wedding day, your first date. For some like me it is your first deployment. The day you get the news you made it on the list to the whole gammit of activities, paperwork and logistics that have to happen in order for you to be able to walk on the plane.
My new normal is not karate practice and baseball games. No date night with the hubs. My new normal will be what I make of it. Filled with work and focus on the positive I can make it through this , I mean it's not a life sentence just a short tour to a hot place. A couple of things I have in mind is I will take a class online see if it works for me. I would like to open a business of my own, so I will learn all I need to know to make that happen.
It is my time to figure that out. Staring down the barrel to my thirtieth birthday I have got one statement that will define my correspondence. Make it happen! Whatever it is I will make it happen. Work and mission, make it happen, plan for the next 5 years, make it happen! Be all together and available to my family now and when I return, MAKE IT HAPPEN!

Ready Set Go!

As you may already know I am on the Eve of a deployment. My goal is to document what goes on for someone like me with a home, a husband, and three beautiful children I will be leaving behind. Since I am a traditional reservist this separation has caused all types of anxiety.

Slowly I have plugged away at each anxiety trigger faced the issue and have come to a point where I have to let go and let those who will be helping and supporting my family while I am gone, do exactly that, help. It is so hard for me to relinquish that type of control to others but I have realized that it is out of love and sincere kindness that they are there.

My job now is to get over to where I am going and give all that energy to my mission. I am sure with the precedent that my life has set for me I am in for a very interesting journey. I hope that you read along and see what it is like to have this type of commitment and it's effects on me, my family, and my friends.

The Gift

The gift of your little one who brings so much life to a love you never thought you could own
Inside your mind you have already planned to right the wrongs in your life just by the  love you will give to this child
The times of inadequacy and insecurity you felt you are already fielding to eliminate
The pain of neglect the fear of disapproval you have commited to remove all obstacles
The little child with innocent eyes has no idea how you have vowed for their safety
SO many cannot have this gift and wish for it, so many have had this gift and squandered it
Let all your expectations free, set all your insecurities aside and let yourself be free to love your gift

A Letter to my Child

I cannot promise a world of smiles and candy canes

I cannot promise you that tears of pain won't find there way to your eyes
I cannot promise you that your heart will never be broken or that you will never be let down.
My sweet child with eyes that are filled with innocense I might not be able to promise you perfection in life But...
I can promise that I will love you perfectly with all my heart
I can promise that when you are down i will help you up and brush you off.
I promise that I will be tough but only because I know you have the best in you and it is my job to bring it out.
I can love you and not judge you, hold you and never want to let go, I will be the best that i have the ability and knowledge to be and ask only that you understand that...
My imperfections may let you down
My choices may make you confused
But my love will never waver!!
You are my heart, my soul, my strength and my smiles
You are my Child.



- Sophia

Thirty and Mental Pergatory

It's funny how you conduct day to day activities that do not reflect your true you. How you can get so emersed in a culture that either doesn't accept you or you know you just don't quiet fit into. When is it that life get's so complicated that you start living for someone else. That a little piece of you erodes away like the boulder on the river bank that once stood so strong is now just a pebble submersed in the sand.


I often question whether I am that boulder; and if I am how can I seperate myself from the waves, be a rolling stone that finds the fit that works for me. Speaking to many of my friends lately it seems as if they are all in a early thirty pergatory. Not sure where they are really or how they got there, but can hear that conscience inside them screaming for change. The only thing is, how to answer?


When you are bogged down, and not necessarily in a bad way, but with a load to carry, how do you make a change? How do you recover from fear and let fate guide you? Determination is impart your fuel but procrastination is your anchor.

Here is what, when you know without question that you got lost in living day to day without truly living it is time to make that choice. Now or Never!


This is what I have told myself. With three children a husband two careers, something has told me something is not right and I know exactly where to look. So "small steps dreamer" is what I tell myself.

My first step, Write! Get it all out don't look for an answer. There are no easy answers to hard decisions. Believe in yourself even when others doubt you. It's ok to not have it all figured out just know that speaking freely from your soul will set your will free. Positive energy, Positive outlook, finding the upside to a bad situation can keep you from loosing focus. When you have a larger goal that are seemingly out of reach, one of two things can happen it can give you an excuse to walk away or help you see all the posibilities to get you to that next peg.

Believe this; you have not achieved all that you have already by standing by and letting others take you on a ride to the goal line. Each experience a team player, each achievement a first down. Little by little playing the field in your home stadium you cannot lose.


So be the boulder don't stand stubborn against the crashing waves instead ride the tide that flows you to your next course.


Make excuses to succeed not to fail. I have gotten this far on hard work and dedication, confidence and will. The next step is fear of success lets conquer the climb!

-Sophia

The Chandler!

It only takes to cross the ocean to find your true friendmate. the person who get's you on a level you never though you could understand. A twin! Your twin who you only know you have missed once you have met them.
That is what I have been able to witness in Germany. I have seen the Chandlers unite. The mustache brothers are in the Deutschland and they are connecting there similarities one song, one joke at a time. I experience the Chandlers speaking without words. Jude Love Chandler meets To
m Chandler and all the world is whole again. I need them to be friends forever oh Chandlers let me count the ways.

It is like hearing a conversation you have with yourself  in your head and someone else answering your thoughts before you can speak it.
The Chandlers experience is awesome.
 I don't post very often but when I do it's Golden-The Chandler