In Love

In love there is hope. With all that you take in and take for granted you wonder if you have the power, patience or the desire to continue. I have reflected a lot on my love while out here. My love is not perfect in fact in most cases it is the exact opposite. When I left to come out here we both knew we were not in a good place with each other. The bickering the arguments the unspoken words corroded away our love and left us vulnerable. We couldn't really place the blame but found our fingers pointing in every direction.

So there we were exposed, tattered by the storm of our love. In the time I have been out here we have made it a point to be honest of the state of our relationship and how we could right the wrongs that had brought us to here. How can we get back what we always knew we had?

We needed to be honest with each other, we needed to be honest with our feelings and then we needed to see where we were from there. So now we are on the road to repair. To find the "in love" in love. To appreciate the time we have together instead of appreciate each other when we are apart.

I have been at the foot steps of where life meets death. Where people are subjected to the frailty of life. Why waist time with love that does not produce. Why waist time picking out the bad and the wrong. Why not right the wrongs and keep it moving.

Life is short my friends, I know you have heard that before but it really is. With flag draped caskets I know how short life is. You might not see it everyday or have to be made aware of it, but learn from me and my life lessons. Don't let love fade, don't spend time fretting the small stuff. If you have love, harvest it. Ask your self the hard questions and seek to answer them honestly. Be safe and love with all you have!

Conversations

When you find yourself about to engage in a conversation what is it that you take in to account? First I am sure is your audience, who is it that you are speaking with and how is it that they receive your message. Second it is the nature of the conversation you intend to have and what the outcome may be if you choose words or a tone that can be misinterpreted by your audience. Last and maybe what should be first is the end result of what you want out of that conversation.

My conversations with friends is real, raw and sometimes uninhibited. They are not easily offended by my direct approach or some time crass response. They roll with it take hits on jokes and dish them out equally if not more quick witted sometimes. However those who don't know me or choose not to know me find me to be intense. I don't skirt issues or sugar coat the truth. Where that works for me on many occasions there are also those times when it is not so easily received.

So as you know already about me in reading these blogs you have read that I like to take it internally? What can I do to make a change in my approach how can I be better received? Well the nature of people is that you are just not going to be able to please everyone. My tag line is if I have too many friends and spend my time attempting to please everyone then really I am not being true to anyone namely myself. So that is not an option.
To address my intensity, well I live my life with intensity and that spills over into my personality. I am who I am and make no bones about it. On that note though I have learned through my conversations with people that when it comes to tact and ego smoothing there is room to learn. Not every conflict has to be resolved with confrontation. Speak lightly in those situations and give the other party a chance to feel like the are not being overpowered and therefore cowering to a place where both sides can't be heard.
Confrontation in and of itself is not a bad thing don't be afraid to embrace it when you need to be heard but don't use it as a platform to assert your authority. I do not believe at all in passive aggressive behavior so this is something I think I will be working on for awhile.

Simply put, say what it is that is on your mind and don't let a mole hill emerge to a mountain. In conversations you can always have control if you remember that in confrontation you can walk away to clear your head and head it on with a sound mind and focused goal. Don't let anyone take you out of your comfort zone because that is when the things you truly don't want to say come out. Speak freely but think soundly on who it is your conversation is with.

Decisions

There are times in your life when it's time to make the hard decisions. Stay in the fight or leave, hear the other side of the story all though you have made up your mind. Stay or leave? Tough decisions are never made lightly, without first consulting your friends, family and most importantly yourself!

Take the tried and true pros and cons list for example. Everyone swears by it, well make sure that you are making that list with a sound mind. Really that list can be made into whatever you want, it's bias, with your interest in mind. So go ahead write the list, but then put it away, try to forget about it. When you go back to it a couple days later, a week however long you need, do those pros look more like cons or the cons look more like a justification for so many pros.

I had to make that exact list, however in my case I threw the list out. I listened to my heart, what it was I truly wanted shown through more then any list could help me decifer. I had no idea what I wanted but found in the end I knew exactly where I wanted to be. I am so afraid to fail, to not be accepted, to miss opportunity, sometimes I take the guaranteed success over the one I am afraid to take the risk for.

I am not sure where my opportunities will take me but I have the faith in my abilities and all that I have worked for until now that I have what it takes to make great things happen. You have to work yourself little by little, step by step, and some time take the calculated risk to see what your really made of. Don't be intimated by the talents you have, let them shine and share them with others. Take the risk on yourself and watch what you become.

Break through!!

Saying goodbye to a part of you that you have held on for so long is like grieving a death of a piece of you. This habit or trait, person or influence has held you captive, it has handicapped you from seeing all the possibilities that you have within your reach.

I had a breakthrough this week that helped me to see beyond all the wrongs in my life all the situations I allowed to happen. Failing to look inside and see your own faults keeps you from achieving your full potential. Well, my friends, no more!

I see the ere of my ways and I have started on the path to righting my wrongs. My threshold for the tolerance of all the toxic behaviors in my life will no longer anchor my ambition. I am worth more then what is on the outside and will no longer sell my self short so that I can fall in the brackets of the people/circumstances that fall below my self worth.

You cannot let others dictate who it is you will be because most people do not want you to shine beyond the flicker of their existence. Your flame is worth warming the hearts around you and lighting the path to where ever it is in life you want to be. I cannot waste my time on relationships professional or personal that want to erode away all the work I have done to build the rock I have become.

I am not sorry for who I am or who I have the potential to be, I cannot apologize to you to appease your insecurities. We should all get to a point in our lives that sooner rather then later, we say, I say what I mean, I mean what I say and I make no apologies for all that I am.

System Scan

If you want the things that you invest in in life to operate and function properly you ensure that all maintenance is done on it so it doesn't fail you. You proect your PC with an anti virus suite, you change the oil in your engine so it does cease, you check your fire alarms to ensure they are in working order. How often do you check on you, and your system? How much attention are you paying to your maintenance of self?

There are no pop ups or reminders that you have to take care of yourself. Instead we wait until we have ignored all the warning signs and we are there vulnerable to virus' that cloud the mind, clog the system and shut down productivity. All the signs can be there and we hop the barrier and push out the way the obstacle until the barriers get larger and harder to move and we wonder while looking forward how we got here, instead of looking back at all the oppotunities we had to change our fate.

What do you see when you take a look back at your decisions? Find opportunity not to further scrutinize what you have done but instead what can you do now. Set your own check up cycle and stick to it. Make sure to "do you", as my friend calls it. With out you having a proper grasp on what it is you want out of life how can you take hold of what you want? Will  you let your spiritual convictions guide and help you through those times when this world can't give you an answer? You have to find it in you.

If you value those materialistic things around you so much that you abide by their maintenance schedule then you should show yourself that same attentiveness. Seek first to understand then make up your mind clear of all the distractions, cookies, clogs, fires and make room for a clean system. System scan complete.

Knowing your life is fragile it is easier to value your relationships. To protect the ones you love and keep them from harm. Each patriot has a story. What is mine?

My story comes from the passion to live. Through the trials of my life maintaining a positive outlook. When I  was faced with death and came out alive it wasn't me scrapping by it was my purpose being fulfilled. When I joined the service years ago my purpose was to straighten up and do things right. Unsure of my fate I joined the fight, at first it was for me now it is for the one's I love, the country I cherish and finally my purpose. I am not sure if people are reading or whether my stories find ears or eyes to engage but it helps me.

Making history, that is what everyone has been telling us. Making history holds a lot of weight and you want to make sure you do it right. I know that so many people can never empathize with what it is I see and go through everyday, and don't get me wrong it ain't all bad. However this is where my story lead me. So while we write history let me put my two cents in.

Take your story and make a novel, let others learn from what it is that God put in your path to show you that we may not have to die for others sins but a patriot will die for honor and for country. For the glory that God said it is your fate to take your story and tell your tales. Don't keep it in share it and help make history in whatever blank page you have in front of you.

So far away

Time seems to be flying by and standing still. It doesn't even sound possible right, but for me right now it is. My time here is half way through, but it seems like time is standing still, that the days keep coming with little sight of change. Time doesn't pass so much as it overlaps. Folding into itself over and over again. My heart is home my head is here.

Although I have tried to keep it all in perspective, I loose grip at times falling into this lifestyle out of necessity and survival. However do not be misconstrued I do not fall subject to complacency as I know that this too shall pass and all that I have at home will pull me from this time. I long for the hugs from my loved ones.

Sometimes I find myself daydreaming of my homecoming, to all those that will be there to great me and show their love and support as they have while I have been away. Tears fill my eyes with the happiness that overflows in me to see my reality, my family, my friends with arms outstretched. I miss you guys so much. For now I will adapt to my surroundings I will overcome the hard times never losing sight of the road I have paved for me and my family.

Goodbye's

With people coming and going all the time it is hard not reflect on how your homecoming will be. I envision my kids at the airport and my husband and I cry. I miss them so much. Yesterday one of my best girl friends left and I had such a hard time seeing her off.

You go through so much here, all the unauthorized fireworks on the 4th here is just another reminder of how far we are from reality and the comforts of compassion, strong friendships and significant others. When we were sitting there crying she couldn't differentiate whether she was crying because she was happy or sad. That got me to thinking my new reality in the sun and sand gets so ingrained in me, will I be able to walk away without tears?

I have made some really good friends here, one's I feel I can talk to for hours, but the reality is that I am eventually going to have to say goodbye. I saw myself there last night and it was a little more then emotionally I was able to deal with. I saw it all in front of me, and I think that I too will be there and I may feel the tide of my life change and afraid of who I will be when I get home.

Goodbye's are wrought with fear, excitement, and the unknown. They are not final unless life has decided that your path has come to fruition and it is time for you to move on and in that case, say your goodbye's with infliction, with love and with hope. Tomorrow is yours make it what you deserve and leave the goodbyes in the past to make room for a thousand hellos.